The grandkids

 The grandkids all came to see me. I did NOT want them to come, but I understand why they wanted to see me. 

They are all special and I was glad to see them all together again. It has been  a long time.

Vincent

He can still make me laugh. He not only listens to a different drummer, he listens to a different band. I hope he settles into a calmer pattern and he gets his life in order. He is a good soul.

Grace

She is a mini mommy. She is a good daughter. No matter what she does, she will be a success. She just needs to not pay attention to what other people think or say. Don't worry so much. 

Kayla

Her and Grace make a good fit. She is dependable and has a good heart. She needs to not care what people think or say too. 

Liam

Too kind hearted, too sensitive, too easy. But hopefully he is growing out of that now. He needs to know his feelings are important too. I hope he finds his path. His laugh can make you laugh. 

Joseph

Never worried about Joseph. He knows what he wants and will get it. He can be very thoughtful and he will be a great father. Not very thoughtful when it comes to his wife and his family. But its his life.

That thing he married is another story.  She needs a good tell off. But she gets away with it, he finds no problem with it. She is lucky she has a father in law  who will let her get away with just about  anything, no matter how wrong she is.  He did the same thing with Joseph, to keep him happy.

I love them all...well...not  you know who...but every one else. :D 

Cancer-First week in Sept.

 My medication has increased. I am going on pain patches besides my narc. The medicine was still working buy I am taking it more often. Instead of every six hour doses I am taking it 4 hour doses. So I would take the patch and then the Narc would be if I need more relief.  

Otherwise everything else seems to be the same. I am sure I lost more weight but I have not weighed myself. I still have  a cup of tea in the morning and 3 shakes a day. 

Also, I damaged my big toe 3 months ago and for a few weeks the nail on the toe was half hanging off. It finally came off last night! YAY  I don't have enough problems I had to have that annoying thing bothering my foot!

Let's elope? 1968/9

 At one point when Bill and I were dating, he was in a bar one night and the crew in there convinced him to elope with me. 

This is the house I lived in, we lived upstairs and my Aunt, Uncle and cousins lived downstairs. My bedroom was the window above the door.

It was a tiny room with a twin bed, desk and bureau with a closet. 

Sometime during the night, a sound of scratching on the window screen woke me up. There was bill at the window trying to wake me up. I open the window to let him in.  He tells me to get dressed we are going to elope. I said things like he  is crazy, He needs to get out. He is laying in bed while I get dressed trying to get him out. He is a sleep. 

I can not wake him up.  My father is working and my mother asleep.  I am going to get a beating! But he is out and I can not budge him.

I finally have to wake my mother because my father will home in about an hour. For that hour there is nothing for us to  do, but smoke and pace back and forth from the window.  

Finally we peek out and see my fathers car coming down the block, he drives slow...staring at the house. We don't know why he is doing that.

We don't know what my father will do. As he comes in the house and climbs the stairs we are there to meet him and tell him what happen. 

He shakes his head and laughs. Not the reaction we expected. He said he  can't do anything right. We asked him why was he staring at the house. He said there is a ladder leading up to my window outside the house. It seems Billy went into the neighbors yard across the street and stole their ladder.

So, my father went back out and took the ladder down and we just sat  waiting  till  he woke up sometime in the afternoon. 

Of course my father ribbed him about this for a number of years. 

So that was the day I did not elope. 

Dreaming Crazy dreams

 

When I first started taking the Narc, I was having weird dreams, most of them in color. I usually have black and white dreams. 

I had dreams of Marie Curie, I had them about 3 nights in a row. Of all the people to dream about!

In my dreams I was watching how radiation changed things...the color of clothes and it would change hard plastic dolls into rubber ect. I finally said to myself, ok, no more dreams about Marie. 

I did not know she had some Quotes she was famous for. I looked at them and decided this was my favorite quote of hers.

" Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more so that we may fear less."

I did have other weird dreams, I was in a very small shop. I want to say it was a tea shop. It was in rubble, like damaged in a war or some disaster.  Broken cups and saucers, pottery. Trying to clear it out. I don't want to do it, but I have to start somewhere.

Another dream, I went to see my friend Cheryl. She was going to a play and I  was wishing her a good time on her trip to the city to see the play. But then I found out I was going to see the play too.And then I found out I was going to be in the play with all them! I was excited and upset at the same time, I can't act, I don't think I  can even memorize lines! I don't have many lines, thankgoodess. We are all on the train heading for the city.

I am still adjusting my medication, I am not taking so much narco right now, so my dreams have not been too weird and most I can't remember them on waking, I just know I was dreaming. 

Cancer-first week in August

 The cancer is progressing. I am now taking a Narc.  It helps. I like to sleep, because nothing hurts when I am asleep. 

  Grace surprised me by staying here for while and Vincent might be here the end of the month. Liam makes little visits too.

I only eat liquids now. I don't even want to make the effort to eat eggs. So I have nutritional drinks, ice cream,  pudding.

All in all I am feeling ok and still can take of my self. 

My brother Charlie

 Charles William, is 14 months younger than me. We shared a tiny room in the Bronx. He was a good brother. He was also my mother's favorite. We were close, I was closer to him than even my sisters.

He started drinking as a teen and that is what destroyed him. He is an alcoholic. He had no self confidence, low self esteem.

He had black outs, when he drank. He could not hold a job. My father wanted to throw him out a few times but my mother would never let him. 

When Charlie was maybe about 11 a bully kid was picking on a younger boy. Charlie went up to the bully and told him to pick on him, his own size, and leave the little kid alone. My mother saw this from the window and never forgot it.

He married a drug addict, they were together a couple of years before separating. She died. 

I could never let him live on the streets. My mother would have turned in her grave. So on and off, most of my life, he lived with me.

When Charlie was good, he was very good, when he was bad, he was awful.

He was not allowed to drink when he stayed with me, he had to stay with a friend.  He went to rehab a few times. He would "date" low life street women which made him feel superior. When he did have a girlfriend, he became obsessed with her. That's all he cared about.

As much as I loved him, I could not deal with him any more. The only way to get rid of him was to move away. That's when I moved to Gulfport. Not just to get rid of him but to be with Agnes and Grace and Liam eventually. 

He met a women in the classified section of the paper and moved in with her.  A black woman, with kids who lived in the projects, so he could feel superior to her and them.

He stayed there many years before he went to the hospital for a fall and is still in there to this day. If he ever gets out I think he will be dead in a few  months.

He is 72 and still thinks like a 17 year old.

Like most alcoholics he is self centered. He keeps trying for the life he wants, to get out of there and have his own place. I hope he gets it. 

Healing codes

 Over a year ago, maybe two years ago,  I heard about Quantum healing codes.  The theory is, numbers send out vibrations and certain numbers can stop pain. I do believe in that theory so I looked into it. 

There are a whole big list of numbers that can heal specific areas on or in your body. Just look up Healing codes and you can find it. 

You think of the area you have pain and either out loud or just in your mind, repeat the number. 55515 is for general pain. When I was looking up all these codes, that code was easy to remember.

One day when I had a bad IBS attack I remembered that code and said it. I didn't think anything happened but it made me think of something else besides the pain. 

Eventually I remembered to use the code every time  I was in pain even though I felt it was not working.  BUT then, I think the pain was not as long when I said it. I felt it might be helping.

With my cancer, I use it at times with my mouth/ head/neck pain. It does seem to help my headache and pain in my mouth. Is it my imagination? IDK but it seems to help and that's all that matters to me.

Cheetah Club - NYC 1960s

 My brother in law took me and a few other members of the kids I hung out with, to the city. We went to the Cheetah Club.  I was 15/16 but people did not care so much back then if you were underage. But I also had a fake birth certificate and I can't remember now if I had to show it.

I don't remember a great deal about it now.  Like any night club it was loud. Lots of people, good music. There were other rooms.  I danced. We wandered around, there were other rooms I did not go into. I remember one room was padded. 

What I do remember was seeing this rectangle object almost as tall as me.  It was showing a video of Neil Sedaka  singing Calendar girl.  I was amazed! This was 1960s, before anything and here you could watch someone sing their song, watch your favorite songs being performed,  not on TV but in this box.  That stuck with me all these years. How amazing that was to watch.

Family medical history

 I guess I will write down what I know about our medical history.

My family

Mother - Margaret - Cancer, liver-lung. Over active thyroid. Appendicitis 

Father - John - Cancer. High blood pressure -Heart Attack

Sister Peggy - Dementia

Sister Barbara - Cancer - alcoholic

Brother Charles - alcoholic - high blood pressure

Brother Thomas - High blood pressure

Daughter - Skin cancer

 Maternal Side of the Family.

Great Grandmother, Bridget -  Brain Cancer

Grandmother - Mary - Diabetees

Grand Aunt - Rita- AAA - Abdominal Aorta Aneurysm

Uncle Charlie - AAA - Abdominal Aorta Aneurysm

Aunt - Mae - Cancer, AAA- Abdominal Aorta Aneurysm

2 Cousins had skin cancer

Paternal Side of the family

Grandfather - Michael - Throat cancer

Aunt Mary -  Cancer

I will edit this as I remember more...

Cancer- first week of July

 So, cancer is progressing. I would say the pain in my mouth and tongue is a 3-4. My neck tumor is getting bigger and I sometimes have to watch how I bend my neck. There are also two other smaller tumors I can feel in my neck.

I also have a headache on that side of my head.  It comes and goes as the day goes on,  but I have it every day.  I have not increased my medication, but it might happen soon.  Although the pain is low grade, I  have it every day. I am just tired of being in pain. 

I am not eating as much. I am still hungry but my tongue is sore and I don't like to move it a lot. Also I can not stand eating some of the same food for months now. I can't even  stand to smell the frozen dinners I used to eat. So, mainly I have oatmeal, eggs, pudding, yogurt, and ice cream. My speech is much worse now as I can only bend my tongue slightly now.  

Also, it is harder to swallow food and drink. I have to becareful not to choke. I choked twice on water. 

One thing I had to get used to was, I  was not going to get better. 

My whole life, up to this point, no matter how I got hurt or sick....I always got better. Not now. 

I am sleeping more which is good because I don't feel any pain. My lips get very dry at night but I keep a washcloth and water near my bed to moisten my lips.

That's where I am after being on Hospice for around 4 months.

Empty Nest

 The last grandchild moved out of the nest a few weeks ago on the 17th of June. He just turned 23.  

I don't like change and it takes me a bit to adjust to it. We knew this was coming so it wasn't a shock.

He is sharing an apartment with two friends he has known since he was a kid. One of them has a girlfriend that might be moving in with them. I am glad he is with people he knows. 

It was odd not seeing him. Not seeing his door cracked open.  Hearing his laugh. Not seeing his car in his parking spot. Not hearing him ask, do you need anything from Walmart? Not sitting at the table eating dinner. Not getting a kiss and hug at night...

This is what he wanted for a long time so I am not upset I am just sad.  It's just another chapter in life.

Cancer-first week of June

 I actually thought I would be gone by now.  The progress of the cancer seemed pretty aggressive so I thought I had, maybe a month. But here I am. 

I think some people have an idea they might be dying. At least I found that with some people.  You just need to listen.

My mother always joked about what she would do when my father died. Oh me and Mae are going to do  this..and that...  But then one day when my father was telling her where the Military is burying the veterans, she said, Oh you are not leaving me here alone. You are not going first.  This was very unusual for her to say. She was right.

  Another time was, I was telling her about Agnes graduating middle school and she said she would not be here for it. I said Ma, it's only 2 years away. And no, she did not make it. So those are changes to look out for. 

Also, Christmas. My daughters mother in law sent unusual gifts for Christmas. Once I saw that, I knew this was going to be her last Christmas. 

I knew last Christmas would be my last. I almost told my daughter, but  I thought to myself...Rita, why not just ruin Christmas with a big downer like that. 

It seems like your body and or your subconscious mind knows what is going on. There is a change, a knowing.  I think this might happen mostly if you do have a sickness, your body knows it.  

That is just my thoughts on that.  

I still see the hospice nurse once a week, so that has not increased yet.

  My mouth is progressing, my speech is very rough, my daughter understands me the best but it is even hard for her to know what I am saying at times.

Till the next time..........

Cancer -First week of April 2024

When I  asked the cancer doctor, what the survival rate was for this cancer,  stage 4 in a 73 year old woman...she talked fast and said 85%, and continued talking.

What she quoted was stage 1, I know because I researched.  It was something like 13% in my case.  This was only slightly less than the survival rate of this cancer with treatment which was 14%.

She continued with, I have to TRY, telling me we would start  chemo with 3 sessions, once a week. It would take hours in the day and I will lose a lot of weight. I will need a pic (?) which can be inserted in the neck or near the arm pit,  should she order it now? No, not now. 

Next stop the radiologist,  who wanted a 7 week session, 5 days a week.  I will need a stomach tube, since my throat will be useless for weeks, everything affected by cancer will bleed...ect.  It would take months maybe a year to recover from the treatments.

NO ONE SAID, sorry, you are too old to withstand these treatments, your cancer is too advanced.

Next trip back to the cancer doctor for me to tell her I am going to decline treatment all treatments, not doing chemo either. She is upset, I am not even trying. I tell her I am not strong enough to go through these treatments and she said she thought I was a strong woman.

After numerous NO's she finally says, the only thing for her to do is put it in Gods hands.

I liked both these doctors but I felt they did not really, put my best interest first.

I am on Hospice. I get a visit once a week now since I am still in good shape. I can still do everything with out help, my Vital's are still good, I can still swallow and medication is at my fingertips. 

So, we go from here......

a Number of these articles on line..this is one.

Do oncologists get paid commissions for the chemotherapy drugs they prescribe?

These are the old prices and benefits.

The Oncologists never get commissions from the Drug Companies; it is illegal, but they charge each dosage of Chemotherapy $12,000, they receive $5,000 from the insurance company for each dosage and the insurance company pays $7,000 to the Drug Manufacturer.

In this case, it is not called the commission; it is the legal business.

With this Business model, the oncologists become the best protectors of the Pharmaceutical Trust.

If the Doctors and Oncologists find someone that practice Cancer-Cure Without Chemo, they denounce the Practitioner on total egality!!!

You will find that in these conditions the LAW that is more important than the lives of the Patients are thoroughly respected!!!

In some Hospitals, the Hospital charges the Chemotherapies, but the employed oncologists have a substantial Salaries plus a Bonus for each Prescribed Chemo. Dosage.

The independent Scientific Researchers that work on Cancer-Cure without using Chemotherapy get legally killed or suicided, and their Laboratory and their Research Results get destroyed.

In the new future, when the people wak-up and brings this Criminal, inhuman association to the court, The Oncologist will say that "we were not taught that Chemotherapy is Dangerous", while a 2end year student on Chemical or Biological Science can affirm that Chemotherapy melts down the Serotonin stock of the organs and kills immune system.

Infliction of death under the most horrible tortures!!! BUT, legal!!