Final farewells...?

I followed a number of people with cancer. Many of them are now pain free and dancing on the other side. Many of them were so young. very sad. 

One lady spent her time crossing things off her bucket list.  I don't have one. My dream was to see England, I did that.  She also spent her time writing friends and family letters to give to them when she died. This ladies mother still has not read her letter. I thought about this. But decided not to do it.

They all know I love them. I am proud of them.  They are unique and special.

I feel like reading those letters would only make them more sad, so the letter writing would be more for the cancer person than to the people she was giving them to. I could be wrong but that's my thoughts. 

The grandkids

 The grandkids all came to see me. I did NOT want them to come, but I understand why they wanted to see me. 

They are all special and I was glad to see them all together again. It has been  a long time.

Vincent

He can still make me laugh. He not only listens to a different drummer, he listens to a different band. I hope he settles into a calmer pattern and he gets his life in order. He is a good soul.

Grace

She is a mini mommy. She is a good daughter. No matter what she does, she will be a success. She stands up for herself.

She just needs to not pay attention to what other people think or say. Don't worry so much. 

Kayla

Her and Grace make a good fit. She is dependable and has a good heart. She needs to not care what people think or say too. 

Liam

Too kind hearted, too sensitive, too easy. But hopefully he is growing out of that now. He needs to know his feelings are important too. I hope he finds his path. His laugh can make you laugh. 

Joseph

Never worried about Joseph. He knows what he wants and will get it. He can be very thoughtful and he will be a great father. But its his life. He does use people and he feels he is smarter than most people.

That thing he married is another story.  She needs a good tell off. But she gets away with it, he finds no problem with it. She is lucky she has a father in law  who will let her get away with just about  anything, no matter how wrong she is.  He did the same thing with Joseph, to keep him happy.

I love them all...well...not  you know who...but every one else. :D 

Cancer-First week in Sept.

 My medication has increased. I am going on pain patches besides my narc. The medicine was still working buy I am taking it more often. Instead of every six hour doses I am taking it 4 hour doses. So I would take the patch and then the Narc would be if I need more relief.  

Otherwise everything else seems to be the same. I am sure I lost more weight but I have not weighed myself. I still have  a cup of tea in the morning and 3 shakes a day. 

Also, I damaged my big toe 3 months ago and for a few weeks the nail on the toe was half hanging off. It finally came off last night! YAY  I don't have enough problems I had to have that annoying thing bothering my foot!

Let's elope? 1968/9

 At one point when Bill and I were dating, he was in a bar one night and the crew in there convinced him to elope with me. 

This is the house I lived in, we lived upstairs and my Aunt, Uncle and cousins lived downstairs. My bedroom was the window above the door.

It was a tiny room with a twin bed, desk and bureau with a closet. 

Sometime during the night, a sound of scratching on the window screen woke me up. There was bill at the window trying to wake me up. I open the window to let him in.  He tells me to get dressed we are going to elope. I said things like he  is crazy, He needs to get out. He is laying in bed while I get dressed trying to get him out. He is a sleep. 

I can not wake him up.  My father is working and my mother asleep.  I am going to get a beating! But he is out and I can not budge him.

I finally have to wake my mother because my father will home in about an hour. For that hour there is nothing for us to  do, but smoke and pace back and forth from the window.  

Finally we peek out and see my fathers car coming down the block, he drives slow...staring at the house. We don't know why he is doing that.

We don't know what my father will do. As he comes in the house and climbs the stairs we are there to meet him and tell him what happen. 

He shakes his head and laughs. Not the reaction we expected. He said he  can't do anything right. We asked him why was he staring at the house. He said there is a ladder leading up to my window outside the house. It seems Billy went into the neighbors yard across the street and stole their ladder.

So, my father went back out and took the ladder down and we just sat  waiting  till  he woke up sometime in the afternoon. 

Of course my father ribbed him about this for a number of years. 

So that was the day I did not elope. 

Dreaming Crazy dreams

 

When I first started taking the Narc, I was having weird dreams, most of them in color. I usually have black and white dreams. 

I had dreams of Marie Curie, I had them about 3 nights in a row. Of all the people to dream about!

In my dreams I was watching how radiation changed things...the color of clothes and it would change hard plastic dolls into rubber ect. I finally said to myself, ok, no more dreams about Marie. 

I did not know she had some Quotes she was famous for. I looked at them and decided this was my favorite quote of hers.

" Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more so that we may fear less."

I did have other weird dreams, I was in a very small shop. I want to say it was a tea shop. It was in rubble, like damaged in a war or some disaster.  Broken cups and saucers, pottery. Trying to clear it out. I don't want to do it, but I have to start somewhere.

Another dream, I went to see my friend Cheryl. She was going to a play and I  was wishing her a good time on her trip to the city to see the play. But then I found out I was going to see the play too.And then I found out I was going to be in the play with all them! I was excited and upset at the same time, I can't act, I don't think I  can even memorize lines! I don't have many lines, thankgoodess. We are all on the train heading for the city.

I am still adjusting my medication, I am not taking so much narco right now, so my dreams have not been too weird and most I can't remember them on waking, I just know I was dreaming. 

Cancer-first week in August

 The cancer is progressing. I am now taking a Narc.  It helps. I like to sleep, because nothing hurts when I am asleep. 

  Grace surprised me by staying here for while and Vincent might be here the end of the month. Liam makes little visits too.

I only eat liquids now. I don't even want to make the effort to eat eggs. So I have nutritional drinks, ice cream,  pudding.

All in all I am feeling ok and still can take of my self. 

My brother Charlie

 Charles William, is 14 months younger than me. We shared a tiny room in the Bronx. He was a good brother. He was also my mother's favorite. We were close, I was closer to him than even my sisters.

He started drinking as a teen and that is what destroyed him. He is an alcoholic. He had no self confidence, low self esteem.

He had black outs, when he drank. He could not hold a job. My father wanted to throw him out a few times but my mother would never let him. 

When Charlie was maybe about 11 a bully kid was picking on a younger boy. Charlie went up to the bully and told him to pick on him, his own size, and leave the little kid alone. My mother saw this from the window and never forgot it.

He married a drug addict, they were together a couple of years before separating. She died. 

I could never let him live on the streets. My mother would have turned in her grave. So on and off, most of my life, he lived with me.

When Charlie was good, he was very good, when he was bad, he was awful.

He was not allowed to drink when he stayed with me, he had to stay with a friend.  He went to rehab a few times. He would "date" low life street women which made him feel superior. When he did have a girlfriend, he became obsessed with her. That's all he cared about.

As much as I loved him, I could not deal with him any more. The only way to get rid of him was to move away. That's when I moved to Gulfport. Not just to get rid of him but to be with Agnes and Grace and Liam eventually. 

He met a women in the classified section of the paper and moved in with her.  A black woman, with kids who lived in the projects, so he could feel superior to her and them.

He stayed there many years before he went to the hospital for a fall and is still in there to this day. If he ever gets out I think he will be dead in a few  months.

He is 72 and still thinks like a 17 year old.

Like most alcoholics he is self centered. He keeps trying for the life he wants, to get out of there and have his own place. I hope he gets it. 

A favorite memory...

We slept in the back bed room for awhile when we were young. In bunk beds, I slept on the top bunk.

I had found out there was no Santa Claus. I was sad and I did not want Charlie to find that out yet.  On Christmas Eve or when we woke in the middle of the night, when we were in bed I told him this story about how I looked out the window and saw Santa in the sky and how I tried to go to back to sleep before Santa came here. He was so excited....sigh